Crazy Fairy

sigh

2005-10-27T06:11:00.000+03:00

why can't I just be dead???

Demonic high

2005-10-05T19:42:00.000+03:00

I promised myself I wouldn’t do this, I promised myself that I would never do to you what was done to me…but I apologize, I dunno what came over, I was possessed maybe, I don’t know…all the promises I made to myself were gone….I looked into your face and I saw everything that is wrong….

…..I….Just…SNAPPED…..my hand just flew into the air, and landed hard on your face….you stopped the noises you were making and looked into my eyes with pure shock…..i looked into your widely opened eyes.....you never thought I'd do this, did you?.....well I never thought I had it in me either…but it looks like I do….

The horror of what I did strikes me….'oh my god', 'what the hell did you do', 'have you gone mad', 'have you finally snapped', ' don’t stop now, keep going'…..oh shit, the voices in my head started talking….

I held your face between my hands, and I started kissing the same spot where the palm of my hand landed, as if I was trying to erase what i did….I apologized more times than I can remember, crying with tears you cant see, I promise you, I will never do this to you ever again….

My confession is: A little (just a little) part of me, only for a split second, felt so damn good…I've experienced what you may call a "Demonic high"

Her Divine Beauty (part one)

2005-09-21T01:43:00.000+03:00

We sat together, you and I, there was lotsa people there to, but I couldn’t recognize them, they were blurry, you looked in my face and smiled "how are you?" you said…I smiled back, imitating yours, and said "im fine"….we've been best friends for years now, sometimes I think of you as the closest person to me, even closer than my own sister…I dunno I tend to idolize everything.

"Haven’t you heard?" you started again, "no, tell me" I said, with fake excitement gushing outta my eyes, its ok, lucky for me, you were never able to tell the difference "well……" and you started telling me a story about something happening to someone, I was glad, cuz it gave me a chance to sit back and study you, I've always been aware of how beautiful you are, its so divine, its almost breath taking, your glossy lips kept moving to remind me that you were still telling the story so I tried to listen, I looked into your eyes, my god they are so different from mine, there is this thing about them, they're so 'alive'……."what's wrong, you don’t seem yourself today, please laugh" you said with an alarmed look on your face, oh my dear divine beauty, im not myself everyday, I took a deep breath, painted a faint smile on my face and said "oh you know, I prefer to listen", you lookeed at me for a second searching for some sincerity in my eyes, as always, I faked it and you went back to telling your story, and I retreated back to my shadowed corner, Its where I feel safe, its where I want to be, I looked into your eyes again, they say the eyes are the window to ones soul, they're right, I can see your beautiful soul through your eyes, funny when I look into my eyes, I see nothing…."you are nothing, you are hallow from the inside and you know it", "no, its not like that at all, nobody understands you", "her divinity makes me sick", " maybe you should try to be more like her". Oh shit, the voices in my head started talking to me, but I wont listen, shhhhhhh, just shut up, this isnt the time to drift away, i need to stay focused, to listen to her, i have to, not now guys, not when my divine beauty is talking, later, when we're alone.

DEAR DADDY

2005-09-21T01:18:00.000+03:00

Dear daddy,
I guess now that you’re up there; you get to see everything for what it is.

I’m sorry daddy, I never meant for things to turn out this way, I swear I tried to be normal, to make you proud of me, but I guess I failed at that too

Daddy, why do you keep ignoring me, please please, don’t turn your back on me again, please forgive me, I really don’t know what I’m doing, I just want you to like me, why can’t you love me?

People, they tell me things, what’s right and what’s wrong, I dunno if I should believe them or believe what the voices in my head are telling me. Sometimes it feels like am in a war with entities that I can’t define. I swear I want to be good, and if I cant, I promise I can fake it, I’m good at faking, infact its all I do, all the time….but I guess you can see through the act now, so its no use.

I’m sorry, I never meant for things to turn out this way, it started with a little mask that I put on, just to make everyone happy, daddy I only wanted them to like me, and when I put on that mask, they truly did, till at some point the face behind the mask dissolved and I became faceless, still, I wanted them to like me more, no, I wanted them to worship me, I wanted to be the only person they want to be with, so I started saying what they wanted to hear, and I kept doing that, till It became the only thing I know, I don’t even have an opinion now, my opinion is whatever they want to hear, but that wasn’t enough either, so I started lying and cheating and then I lied a little more to cover for the cheating and now I can't break free of this vicious circle I've created.

Daddy I want to be myself, but I can’t cuz I dunno know who I am anymore. I lost myself in a lie or a world (I really dunno which) that I created….huh, 'lost in my own world' how ironic.

I guess what am trying to say is, I’m sorry you never liked me. I’m sorry you never understood me, I’m sorry you didn’t even try to. I’m sorry you turned your back on me when I needed a father. I’m sorry am such a sick fuck. I’m sorry, IM SO FUCKING SORRY.

Whatever,
Me

P.s: its ok, I don’t blame you, I never liked me anyways.

to everyone i know

2005-09-18T10:01:00.000+03:00

This one goes out to…everyone:
(linkin park’s song :numb)
Its easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb
Its so much easier to go, than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
A secret I’ve kept locked away, no one can ever see
Wounds so deep, they never show, they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they’ve played

(If I could change, I would
Take back the pain, I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made, I would
If I could stand up and the blame, I would
If I could take all my shame the grave I would)

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go, and never looking back
And never moving forward so there’d never be a past

Just watching it aside
All the helplessness inside
Pretending I don’t feel misplaced
Its so much simpler than change

my little pink diary

2005-09-18T09:33:00.000+03:00

I keep a little pink diary next to my bed, I don’t really write my thoughts or what happens to me , I just write certain things I heard or read that seemed a pit interesting or words that I simply find fascinating…so here’s a little of what’s in my diary:

-another brick in the wall: would anyone even miss me if I died? Would anyone even notice? Anyone?!

-watching my life crashing down on me: I just watch, it feels like its not even mine

-what if god was one of us?: one of US? Or THEM?

-Is THIS the rest of my life?......oh god: …….oh god

-Too tired of living, too scared to die: Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with the story of my life

-you don’t see, beyond the walls you’re living in: do you even see to begin with?!

-100 years of solitude: out of all the combinations in the English language, this is the most beautiful.....just observe its beauty for a minute

-"Shoot all the blueJays you want, if you can hit`em, but remember, it’s a sin to kill a mocking bird": why it’s a sin? Cuz all mocking birds do is sing for us.

-I’m sick and tired, of always being sick and tired: Again, the story of my life

- Look, here she comes now, bow down and stare in wonder: With a big smile on my face, this one is for you dolly

-I’ve been alone:…..funny, when I read this, I smile

-This gotta be good; why else would I be crying?:……hell yeah

Well, that’s enough for now….one last thing before I go, I want to say to `someone` that `I only pushed you away cuz I wanted you to stay, and now you’re only here cuz I want you gone’….get it?

2005-07-31T03:58:00.000+03:00

I’m in so much pain right now…its so beautiful…I didn’t need a razor or knife….its so much deeper than that….and I cant stop asking for more and more….till im drunk with pain…until at some point I’m just swimming in an ocean of nothingness….
Fate is trying to teach me a lesson…..well, jokes on you, pain is pleasure to me…….and all I got to say to you is “Is that all you got?”…..
I’ve been through so much shit…..what your doing now is nothing….actually…don’t stop now…..cuz this is my practice…..im addicted to it…..i cant live without it…..its the only thing keeping me alive….so…plz….Bring It On

2005-07-30T20:15:00.000+03:00

Is there such thing as “one correct philosophy” to live our lives?…….is there truly one right route to take in life??.....One and only one…..are we all supposed to live our lives in certain pattern?.....what is a successful life pattern?....hmmm…lets see…..a perfect childhood….perfect straight As….a perfect university……perfectly promising career…..a perfectly devoted spouse…perfect little children…..perfect little car parked next to the perfect house….and eventually the perfect grave overlooking Disney land…if we had all of that (regardless of the method used to get it), does it mean that we followed the “one correct philosophy”…..and if its true…..the people who are less fortunate are simply to blame for their mischief because they did not follow that “one correct philosophy”…..we should pity them, look down at them and say “had you followed that one correct philosophy , you wouldn’t be in this mess”……
Ok, say that the philosophy did exist….wouldn’t that eliminate choices….I mean if such one philosophy existed…us human with that pathetic need to be “right” all the time will consume ourselves to follow that one correct line…..and beat ourselves up if we fail to follow it correctly…..and if you think about it really hard….you’ll find that no such people (who followed the philosophy and succeeded) actually exist……so in other words…If the philosophy existed…its only there to make us feel worthless….think about that….
And one last thing before I go….notice if you take the “f” outta the word “life” you end up with a “lie”…..I wonder if the “f” is only there to cover up for the “lie”

2005-07-28T13:14:00.000+03:00

how dare you not see through the act......
im sick and tired of giving you hints and clues....im sick and tired of pretending and waiting for you to finally 'get it'.......well.....no more.....from now on your just another 'dead bitch walking' to me.....
you have no idea what the voices in my head are telling me...and guess what??.....this time, all the things they say make perfect sense to me......
once again, i gave that tiny brain of yours too much credit.....funny, how when i first knew you...i prayed you'd be the one to 'get it'.....but you didnt and you never will....your just....normal....
never the less, i thank you from the bottom of what they call my heart....because the feeling you gave me is so beautiful.....this genuine mixture of hatred and numbness that im feeling now is unbelievably increadible....and this broken dead smile painted on my face right now filling up my soul is the greatest present you'll ever give me....i forgot how beautiful saddness can be.....thanks for the reminder......oh and one last thing before i go...this perfect life of yours is gonna come crashing down on you.....and im counting down the time....i'll help you rebuild it...but secretly me and the voices in my head, we will be laughing at you

first post.....sigh

2005-07-28T00:09:00.000+03:00

just got back home from a day out with two of my sisters.....The only thought I could think was that part of linkn parks' song "remembering I'm pretending to be who I'm not anymore".....Its a shame I have to fake, but when you don't know who you are anymore faking is your only "mother fucking option"....Sometimes I wonder when exactly I lost track of who I am (or was)....But to tell you the truth I don't even care anymore.....This anarchy in my head is too beautiful to let go of....And my glorious moment is when people look at me trying so hard to analyze whatever it is that I am....Me and the voices in my head laugh so hard, cuz we all know... There aint NOTHING inside